This is my chance to rant & rave…

8-16-10-

TimBits is going to do a 74 week player profile spread on all the players on all the teams in the lower C division.  Since normally we do this by team, or alphabetically, I am going to change it up and do it from the loudest to the quietest player.   We start with:

 

Player Profile: Mike Karrasch #8

 

Nickname: The Crasher

 

What Mike brings to the team: A big mouth

 

What Mike needs to work on: Hockey

 

Synopsis: Mike has a lot of pluses in his game.   First of all, he has a big body.   If you take away half of the Icemen team, Mike has the biggest body in the league.   We wouldn’t like to point out that the height to weight ratio is not favorable toward him, we’ll overlook that to be nice.   Mike has great hands.   If he could keep his hands on his stick, rather than on his opponent’s junk, he would be on top of the league scoring, but our psychological team said that is close to impossible for him.   Fellow D man Khen Greathouse had this to say, “I am out there skating around trying to get my guys open, and I look to pass to Mike, but I notice he is always groping the other team… or a ref.   So I just have to score myself.”   Mike also has a lot of emotion.   A referee, whom we will keep nameless, spoke with us about Mike:

 

Dr. Chad: How often does Mike Karrasch yell at you?

 

George Tuttle: Constantly.   One time I had to put him in the box because it was the only way we could continue with the game.

 

Dr. Chad: Does that happen a lot?

 

George Tuttle: No, normally I let him jabber.   It was that this was a game between the Blue Crabs and the Bombers.   I have no idea what Mike was doing on the ice.   I didn’t even know what team to give the penalty too.

 

Dr. Chad: Does he ever shut up?

 

George Tuttle: No.

 

Winger Paul Lenz tells TimBits that he tries to teach Mike some new moves, but Mike just stares at him with no acknowledgement or emotion.   Lenz exclaims “It is quite scary.   It is like he is looking through me, not at me.   The worst is when he starts to drool”.

 

Anyway, Mike Karrasch is a big part of the Stripers and would be missed if the authorities found him.

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8-10-10 -   I apologize for insulting former captain Bill Polinsky on last week’s TimBits.  I asked Max Talbot and Gilbert Gottfried to team up for an exciting, classy, TimBits extravaganza while I was in Italy.  Obviously, they failed.

 

Anyway, while I was away looking at the leaning tower of Pisa, I couldn’t help of thinking about Dr. Bob and his goals against.   We have the best goals against ever by any crappy C level team.   How do we do it?

 

Well, I think the answer starts down the middle.   We have an awesome center corp.   After that, I have to give credit to the rest of the team.   But, I think the Bombers said it the best… “[The Icemen’s] defense is too good for this league.”   Eric can concur with this.

 

Pat – This French Canadian confuses the other team by wincing in pain every time our opponents get near him.   I heard “Oh, my back” or “Oh, my leg” right before he broke up each of the seven offensive rushes the Bombers had last night and skated past everyone else on the ice.

 

Mountain Man John – I don’t know if we should report his play to the WWF, WWE, or get him an audition for the next Vaudeville musical we can find.   With one leg kicked out and one “jazz hand”, he continuously forced the Bombers over to Pat’s side so Pat could break up the play.

 

Ray – Impressing girlfriends or wives that come to see our games is Ray’s true talent.   I just have to make sure my wife doesn’t come to anymore games because if Ray blows a kiss to her after a goal, I don’t know who she’ll be going home with.

 

No love on this TimBits for the wingers.   Maybe next week guys.

 

Oh yeah, One correction from a previous TimBits:

 

John Bright – Don’t Come Around Here No More – Tom Petty – Smoke on the Water – Deep Purple – Sunshine of Your Love - Cream  She’ll Be Comin’ ‘Round the Mountain When She Comes – Billy Bob Chassey and the American Squeeze Box Band

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7/28/10-

Ciao-

While on vacation in Venice, Italy, I was interviewed by the popular sports daily newspaper LaGazzette dello Sport for a feature on North American C-level hockey. During the interview, the reporter inquired about teammate Bill Polinksy, the popular Icemen jetsetter who frequents The Floating City ...

POLANOWSKI: I'm kinda happy Polinsky's not here. I really didn't wanna see him.

REPORTER: There ya go Tim. So much for political correctness.

POLANOWSKI: I just hate the guy.

REPORTER: No that's fine by me. Please don't apologize. We agree completely. See, this is why I wanted to interview you instead of that Morin guy anyway, Tim, because I know I would've gotten the PC answer outta Pat. But you just put it out there. I want the truth, that's why you're being interviewed today.

POLANOWSKI: Well I can't lie, even more so for a guy like Polinsky. Seriously, okay.

REPORTER: At what point did you realize that the animosity you had towards Polinsky .. was more of a lingering thing?

POLANOWSKI: Um, the first time I met him actually.

POLANOWSKI: When I met him off the ice... you know, you hear a lot of stories about the guy, but sometimes they're not true. The first time I met him, let's say he didn't give the best impression to me. So it's reason to hate him even more.

REPORTER: Now, what did you hear, Tim, before you met him, and what sort of led, how do I phrase this, down to your level of expectation?

POLANOWSKI: *chuckle* I was actually at the HNA awards. Last summer with Crupi. We brought the DC Tournament Cup over there after the season and everything. Crupi knew Polinksy and introduced me to him. The first impression wasn't great. I'm not really gonna say what happened, but uh, it wasn't... I was like, "okay, this guy is a real douche."

The interview can be found in it's entirety on the online edition of La Gazzetta dello Sport.

 

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7/22/10 -

When Baltimore Iceman captain Pat Morin walked into the despondent post-game locker room at Ice World Arena after the Iceman had lost, 5-2, in regulation to the Dragons last Wednesday night, he told the players they still were champions.

Morin was being literal. This wasn't some hokey "win or lose, every kid's a winner" message one of the player's dads gives a 6-year-old T-ball team. The Icemen are winners no matter what!

"It was a great game," alternate captain Sal Crupi said. "No one felt as bad as me on that one goal. Then we got to the third period and then we realized, 'Woah! We gotta keep playing, MAN!"

"It was like we just wanted to win in the middle period so much first, and then we realized we were playing another period and we were like 'Oh my gosh.'

"But then we came out tonight and played hard in the third session. It was a great game. We can look back on this game, definitely, as a great success for us," said Crupi... after the game, "Nobody expected we'd lose. We're really disappointed right now, but I just told the other Icemen, 'Go outside with your heads up. You're still Icemen, so that's a good thing, too.'"

The mood was somber and plenty of tears were shed in and around the team's locker room at Ice World Arena -- one player wept alone with his head buried in his gloves, still in full uniform, with his back against a hallway wall and his legs stretched straight out outside the locker room door until teammates came to console him.

But, in time, the Icemen began to recognize their accomplishments.

"I was in the shower kind of standing there reflecting on it, and you realize what you did accomplish and that it was something amazing," said Dr. Bob. "You and the 7 other guys on this team tonight that showed up did something that no one in our Team's history has ever done. We played without yelling at each other.

"I may not remember maybe a lot of my uncles and aunts when I die, but when I die, those 7 other guys tonight, I'll never forget. That's something that I'll take with me to the grave -- those guys and achieving what we did, it was almost unbelievable."

Dr. Bob allowed only five goals in the game (including the third period).

"What I told the guys was everybody else in our organization is supposed to say thank you to Dr. Bob for what he did tonight," Crupi said.

"Like our coach told us, we're still champions," Sampson said. "We wanted to be winners, too, but we've worked our tails off this season and we often got some good luck. But tonight, we didn't have it."

Our divisional rivals recently went through a very similar experience as well. http://www.hockeyclubhouse.com/stripers/

 

Correction to last week’s Bits:

 

John Bright – Don’t Come Around Here No More – Tom Petty – Smoke on the Water – Deep Purple – Sunshine of Your Love - Cream

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7/19/10 - All, I was going to post a poem, but I could not find a word that rhymed with Smitty that described his goal.   So I am going to do recent quotes again.   Here goes:  

Sal on his diet - You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

Dr. Bob on the game against the Bombers - You can observe a lot by just watching.

Pat Talking to the Bombers captain - We wouldn't have won if you'd beaten us.

Jay on why he was late - If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Tony when asked about practice - In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

Brad about why he doesn’t talk - It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

Steve on playing hockey after a year - It's like deja-vu, all over again.

Brian on missing the game for his kid’s b-ball game - Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.

Dr. Chad on games with the Icemen - Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

Brian on not scoring - Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't scoring.

Smitty on looking forward - The future ain't what it used to be.

Pat on simple logic - The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

Paul on himself - There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em.

Pat on our roster - We have deep depth.

Ray on league fees - A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Patrick on his dislike of an important position - All goalies are liars or crybabies.

Jay on the details of the game - Hockey is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.

Brian on whether the website polls are true - Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

Keith on crowd attendance - If people don't want to come out to the ice rink, nobody's gonna stop 'em.

Tim on his favorite Yogi Berra quote – Hey Boo Boo, Ranger Smith took our basket

 

 

And one correction from last week:

 

John Bright – Don’t Come Around Here No More – Tom Petty – Smoke on the Water – Deep Purple

 

So, Tom Petty, your fired!!

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7/12/10-

During the game against the Vipers I was trying to figure out what songs people listen to before the games.  These songs seem to repeat in their heads when they are skating.  These are the songs I think everyone is listening to in their heads as they are skating:

 

John Bright – Don’t Come Around Here No More – Tom Petty

Jay Burke – Hard Charger – Porno for Pyros

Bob Casero – Don’t Pass Me By – The Beatles

Brad Cover – Smooth – Carlos Santana

Sal Crupi – Whatever Pat is listening too in his head

Bob Guindon - Symphony #25 in G minor - Mozart

Brian Hayes – Happy Happy Joy Joy – Ren and Stimpy

Tony Majeran – Ice Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice

Ray Makowski – Whatever you can do I can do better – Mia Hamm and Michael Jordan

Keith Martinez – Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond

Brian McElwain – Mr. Roboto – Styx

Rich Meyers – Crazy Train - Ozzy

Pat Morin – Je reve encore – Eric Lapointe

Patrick Mullen – For Whom the Bells Toll - Metallica

Tim Polanowski – Tommy the Cat – Primus

Paul Sampson – The Shocker – Steel Panther

Jeff Smith – The Sound of Silence – Simon and Garfunkel

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7/2/10-

Rookie of the Year Summer Outlook

 

As I watched our team chase the puck around against the Black Aces like we were 5 year olds chasing fireflies, I couldn’t help but wondering who is our most impactful rookie.

 

Well there are many criteria that I would have to consider: skill set, locker room presence, future value.   And recognizing that we have a well established team, I can only think of three guys that would be eligible: Jay, Keith and Rich.

 

Skill Set

 

Sorry guys… hands down this is Jay.   With his slick skating and wicked shot, the only thing that I am thinking of is how I can maintain being the first line center.   Paul and Brian, I am going to miss you.   Good job Jay!

 

Locker Room Presence

 

Keith takes this criterion, although not by much; the other two fail ungodly on this.   I used to sit around the locker room with my pads on and my shoulder pads and jersey off.   These days have ended.   Because of rich and Jay, I am embarrassed to take off my jersey.   Don’t these guys know that they are making the rest of the team feel really bad about being thirty pounds overweight?   I don’t even want to have my after game beer anymore.   They have to learn how to be a better part of the team.   Some advice guys… cheesesteaks and ice cream.   Keith, the reason you win this section is because you put your shirt on right away, so I don’t know if you are our required 30 pounds overweight or not.   Good job Keith!

 

Future Value

 

Rich, you are the winner.   Referencing the Skill Set section, how better can Jay really get.   If I could skate like him, there is only one direction I am looking, and that is down.   It might take 10 years but you will lose a step, ask Smitty, he has lost one every 10 years for the past 8 decades.   Keith, being that you are Brian’s buddy, I am afraid you are going to learn how to take unwise penalties at crucial moments in the game.   This zero’s out any potential upside you have.   Rich listens whenever he gets advice or criticism.     He has instinct to go to the open areas and use his line mates the best of their abilities.   Nonstop hustle helps also.   Good job Rich!

 

Terminology

 

Then I decided, well are they all rookies.   Keith played with us when we merged with the Vipers.   I think this disqualifies him.   Jay, I would think we got him via free agency.   Playing with other teams in the league disqualifies him.   Rich, he is a Wolfepack member.   I would have to say that the Laurel League is equivalent to the AHL.   In the NHL, you can still be a rookie if you have played multiple seasons in the AHL.   So I am going to have to say Rich is a rookie.  

 

Rich, congratulations.   You are my pick for Rookie of the Year Summer by default.  

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6/23/10-

Public Service Announcement:

 

We are big strong hockey players.  We have it all… fame, fortune, good looks.  I am asking for you guys to take a look at yourself and think, am I helping the community?  If that answer is no, or maybe, or even yes (you can still help more), consider fostering a homeless person.  Below is a picture of a random homeless person that personally fits your profile of compatibility.  For the low cost of a Guinness and some corn beef and cabbage each day, and a high and tight trim with the clippers weekly; you will be able to right all of the wrongs in the world.  Doesn’t your house need another lively personality?  Don’t you want to wake up in the middle of the night and find someone curled up on the floor in the corner of your bedroom? Take a look in your heart, Sally Struthers would do it.  Just keep him out of the sun… he burns.

 

Oh yeah, one last thing, we made that #8 of the Stripers look dumb again.  Good job Paul!

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6/15/10-

The Raven

By Edgar Allan Pol

 

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more." …

Ah, distinctly I remind it was in the bleak line,
And each separate dying member wrought its ghost upon the pine.
Eagerly I wished the give and go; - vainly I had sought to go down low
From my position of Center - sorrow for the lost opportunity to score -
For the rare and radiant Brian whom worked all day at Lenn or -
and Paul that will be scoring champ evermore.

 

Much I marveled at Pats smooth stride, hoping whichlike that I could glide

Thrilled me – filled me with delusional thoughts that I could sore;

So that now, When I am out there skating, I still look like a monkey and a football mating,

“Tis some skaters that have seen in sweats and valour.-

Some old Icemen that “Yes, for you that don’t know… wore valour.-

In our locker room nevermore,

 

Brad’s sweat and steady hands, Impress all of his fans

Hailing from Anne Arundel, Prince Georges County no more

With the scoring touch of Alex Giroux, Brad wishes that he knew,

What he did to be demoted from line one when all he did was score,-

But then we have to ask Brian that worked all day at Lenn or,-

Brian Said “ Now that I’m back, Nevermore.”

 

Sal, where does he belong, On Defense he is very strong,

Now a hulking winger, he is drawn by the by the goal scoring lore

Jumping up in the play with authority, a big frame that his line mates can see,

As Brian is making lines he hears a tapping, a tapping on his office door,

Sal, what are you doing here? This is my place of work… Lenn or,

Sal asked, can I be winger, Now that Brian is back… Nevermore.

 

Paul, because he is so nice, can skate unscathed through the ice,

Not being slashed, hooked, roughed, while his line mates are being gored,

Compliment the other team; they’ll have no other choice than to not be mean,

I tried that by saying “Hey D guy, with your girlfriend I would score”

As he punched me he quothed… “Nevermore”

 

For the rest of the team, I left you out, or so it seams,

All your hard work against the Crabs I cannot go so far to ignore,

But to write compliments to Poe, is very hard you may not know,

So weather you are playing with the guys on line four,

Or making lines in your office at Lenn or,

You are an Iceman Evermore.

 

For all you who got through this, this is a tribute to late games.

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6/8/10 -

I am so glad to win the constable award for my work done in the post game conference after the Black Aces game.  It took a lot of hard work, but it paid off.  I just figured since Paul is reeling to be the new loop-d-loop, and Jay is looking to true up that first line center position, I need to make my mark.  Now that I know the Paul, Brian, Tim line has been disbanded by two brilliant performances by Brad, I feel lonely.  Since my line making presence was taken over by Brian subsequently to be taken over by Pat, I feel everyone has the chance to do what I coveted so deeply (and their good at it).  Since Patrick, which I touted so highly as a forward, can only play center (even when he is playing wing), I get depressed.  Since I realize all of my bits will be stolen by the webmaster and posted as his original work, I get angry.  I thought to myself, where can I make a name for myself, where is a void?  Constable Postgame Motivational Speeches… and you know what… I F’ing rocked it!!!!

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06/02/10 - We have learned many valuable lessons this week.

 

First of all, I need to true up my facts on the history of the Icemen.  Smitty owes us one more good guy.  Apparently, he did not bring in Pat.  I will check my sources next time before I make allegations.

 

Next, big hulking defensemen make great wingers.  I am talking of course about John’s Big Bite Buffalo wingers.  They are tasty.

 

Line 1 really needs to get Rich.  With the speed of Paul, and Patrick’s hustle, It would only be poetic Justice if they showed up in a Maserati.

 

Heys is really good on defense.  Every time I got the puck in the O Zone, I kept hearing “Hey, Hey, pass me the puck”.  So D keep up the “Hey’s”

 

Sure Beach balls would make defense and goaltending easier, but as an offensive guy, I would have to vote for the puck.

 

Brian is the quietest coach I have ever not heard.  The only Mick that I have seen quieter was the one passed out at the Irish festival last week.

 

Last but not least, the Fighting Blue Crabs are monitoring the Oil Slick in the Gulf.  With the Louisiana crab population becoming scarce, they were talking about changing their names to the Greasy Blue Crabs as a symbol of solidarity for their crustacean brothers.

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05/19/10 - First of all let’s give it up for our lone ref against the Silverbacks.  Good game by him, but even better exit.  For all those who stayed to watch the festivities… Iles can drive almost as fast as he can skate.

 

Another round of applause for the commish, Ed Slusher that is.  It takes a man to admit he is wrong (hint, hint Paul and Patrick).  But Ed truly stood by his word and made the C lower level competitive again by taking #25 and #19 off of the bombers.

 

Another round for the other Commish, Fred Bealfeld.  Fred gave up his seat at an networking annual meeting to play hockey.  Unbeknown to him, the Mayor was going to present him with an award.  After calling his name and noticing he was not in the building, she kept the prize for herself (sounds like familiar mayor exercise).

 

Another round goes to new Captain Pat Morin.  Skating in Fluffy’s skates is almost as bad as going to Fluffy’s hair stylist.  Pat, let’s make sure it stops there.

 

Everyone give applause to current assistant to the regional Captain Brian for making lines.  Tim’s Bits suffered when I took the time to email the team, sort the responses, and populate the lines.  Brian, hat’s off to you for taking on this responsibility.  Also, stay clapping for Brian, thank you for not taking that holding penalty in the third period of the Silverbacks game behind their net in the offensive zone.  You are growing up right before our eyes.

 

And finally, a standing applause for… Smitty.  Thank you for bring water bottles to the game every week.  A lot of the guys on the team really depend on that.  Stay standing everyone, and thank you Smitty for Bachman and Pat.  I know it has been a while since Bachman played, but thank you for getting us two quality selfless players.

 

See, everyone knows their roles!!! 

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First of all, good game Wes.  Secondly, our upset victory was given to us by an unlikely source.  I’d like to call color confusion.  As I skated around the rink doing my loopdi-loops, I heard the other team trying to figure out why our logo was obviously aqua blue and the stripes were, in contrast, powder blue.  I can give you play by play of what happened on our first three goals.  Brad passed the puck to me I skated down the right side of the rink.  The D-man was ready to poke the puck away when he stopped and said, “Excuse me.  Do you know that your logo is the wrong color?”  I took advantage of the situation and instead of stopping and explaining that the lady that put the jerseys together screwed up the color, I skated past him and scored.  During the second goal Steve and I had a two on one.  The same defenseman was covering.  He stopped again and turned to the Constable and said, “maybe you can answer this question, I asked #55 and he was too rude to answer.   Why is your logo the wrong color?”  Steve said the F word 4 times, skated past him and scored.  During Brian’s goal, there was a skirmish around the net.  The goalie looked up at Brian and said, “I’m colour blind, but I can tell that your logo is the wrong color.”  Brian poked the puck in and said, “no, the jersey is B*&ch!!”.  

That is pretty much all for Tim’s Bits this week.  I hope everyone has a great holiday season!!  

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A Thanksgiving Poem
  
I’m not the type to point fingers at a friend,
But for once, this rule I will bend,
Remembering the scoring touch of an in-law in valour,
He would have lived up to his family legacy if Brad would have scored!
 
If Brad would have scored, that would have put the Stripers on ice,
Stick side… top shelf… even 5 hole would have been nice,
Pretty passes all day long hitting his stick,
I could see him think “What corner should I pick?”
 
The more he’d think, the more he’d skate,
By the time he pulled the trigger It was too late,
When out in the slot there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the point to see what was the matter.

Away with the puck Brad flew like a flash,
The scoring lead he would soon have stashed.
The puck on the breast of the newly-surficed ice
Gave the lustre of moves that Brad made so nice,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
The puck lay in the crease with the goalie nowhere near,
Last years scoring champ, so lively and quick,
He hit it into the goalies pad 10 times with is stick.
 
If Brad would have scored I wouldn’t have to eat Turkey in shame,
If Brad would have scored, it would have been a tied game!!

 

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This week I just want to remember the great season we had.  So here is some quotes from it that I am sure you all remember: