the cave

Nov. 20, 2008

Although Christmas is still a month away, your Baltimore Icemen have been hard at work writing up their wish lists for Santa Claus. Here is a sampling …

Billy … Santa, I’ll do anything to meet Sid the Kid. Anything. I’ll start liking Lisa’s horse. I’ll stop pinching. I’ll even ditch the Skate Box for a week.

Salvy … Santy, my paisan, I’d like you to get Vito from the old neighborhood to take out Pat’s knees so I can win the Icemen scoring crown. The way this team scores goals, I should only need one more to lock things up.

Smitty … Santa, ol’ boy, we sure had some fun times in high school together, didn’t we? Anyways, could you please get someone else to bring the water bottles just once? The bursitis in my trick elbow is killing me from lugging those things to every home game.

Turners … Santa, please start another thread on the Icemen message board focusing on how me and Billy are the only Icemen who have consistently hustled every shift [as noted by our self-elected captain]. My Gilman pals who follow my hockey career via our website will be amazed because I haven’t been called a hustla since I used to roll through the parking lots at Roland Park and Bryn Mawr.  
 

Chad … Santa, I’ll take anything orange. Hey, they call me the Crush, right? I’ve had my eyes on Sal “The Silver Surfer” Crupi’s shiny silver stick with the orange markings. Oh, and also, I’ll gladly take a pint of crank case oil for my skate blade spinners. Nobody rolls on the ice like I do.

Brad … I’m a man of simple tastes, Santa. I’ve already got the world’s biggest hockey backpack, a son who’s gonna make it to the NHL some day, Easy E as a brother-in-law, a good job … and Draney’s secret telephone number so I can always contact him when I need to ask “What Would Ed Do?”   What more could I want?

Andy … Santa, can you please send me some contact lenses? Man, think how many game misconducts I can get if I can actually see who I’m taking out.  

Dr. Bob … Santa, I need glitter. Lots of glitter. My mojo ain’t working with these new non-sparkly jerseys.

Tim … Santa, can you put me on Alex Ovechkin’s line just for one game? Caps fans haven’t seen a spin-o-rama move like mine since the days of Kelly Miller back in the 80s and early 90s.

Tony … Santa, I don’t want to get greedy, but can you please sharpen my right skate this year? You did the left last year, and that was great, but all I do is spin in a circle. I feel like the offensive guard figure in Coleco Electric Football whose cleats are mashed in one spot and who can’t go straight.

Brian M. … Santa, can you please explain all these stupid Icemen references and inside jokes? I mean, this team I joined is swell enough, and the old stories are funny, I’m sure. But let’s go out and make some new stories already.

Pat … Santa, maybe you please call my old team, the Bisons, and get me try-out. I still have gas in tank to play well, and I still dazzle weet puck, and I still score the goal. I just need change. This new team I’m play weet just not so much working out. In Granby , we don’t lose four games in two seasons.

Hayes … Santa, can you please get me directions to IceWorld? I seem to keep losing my way on game nights.

Racer X … Look you f---ing old gasser in that f---ing red suit of yours, put down that f---ing eggnog and get me a transfer out of Adams County . The long hours are f---ing killing me.

Josh … Santa, can you please convince Salvy to have us get new uniforms again? I’m thinking Boston Bruins style. I’ve got all these black and yellow Black&Decker shirts but I can’t wear them under these blue Maine jerseys. This stinks. I’ve got a red helmet, lt.blue/dk.blue jerseys, all this yellow and black stuff from work. I feel like a circus clown.